It has been awhile since an entry and I apologize. My only excuse is depression. Not depression in me, but in my spouse. The last few months have been extremely difficult and even today as I write, I’m not sure I can put on paper the frustration, the sadness, the pain that I feel when I look at him.
Sometimes depression has a way of taking over no matter what you do, what your support system is.
The frustration lies in seeing medication not work AGAIN. The frustration lies in seeing someone not making any effort to change things (and, yes, I know it is difficult for depressed people to have the energy, etc., but I would like to see at least a flicker of wanting things to be different). The frustration lies in seeing how little is given over to mental health especially when you realize there are a very limited number of mental health individuals on your health insurance plan .
The sadness comes when I look a t a totally changed person, beaten down by depression, a stranger to who he once was. The sadness escalates when I try to get in his skin and imagine what it is like to wake up morning after morning and feel there is no hope. The sadness when you know he can’t appreciate a gorgeous sunset or the unexpected visit of a monarch butterfly or the laughter of his grandchildren.
The pain comes when I have a tiny window into what he is going through each day in the darkness. The pain when I realize that this might be our new normal. The pain when I see him desperately trying anything to feel better.
Thankfully there are friends and family who are there to keep me from plunging. That’s the upside of depression. And there are all of you who hopefully read these entries and find some hope or understanding or “ah ha” moments. I am grateful for each and everyone of you because you let me know that life is good and loving another is the best part even if depression is in the mix.