Deflated.

All right, I’m giving in to a little moan.

Having experienced seasonal depression for several years AND having lived with my husband’s depression for most of our marriage, I’m recognizing some ugly signals in myself today. Exhaustion, lack of interest in things I care about, extreme irritability, generally a “meh” attitude.

I’m pretty clear on where this crap is coming from. An emotionally challenging, wringer of a week last week. Some disturbing news regarding my husband and the new career he loves so much – something that’s been dealt with for now but could create disaster at any point in time. A huge bombshell when I got to work this morning, which will lead to an unimaginable change from here on out (not tragic, but still – change is hard).

A Mother’s Day that mainly served to underscore the fact that my family is moving on. Which they should, of course. They’re turning into mature, healthy adults. But I’m painfully aware of the seismic shift in my role.

And, not least of all by any means, an unintended Mother’s Day surprise yesterday that completely knocked the wind out of me – a crying jag by my husband, the likes of which I haven’t seen for a few years. I walked into our bedroom yesterday afternoon to find him sobbing. Expecting to hear that something devastating had just occurred, I went into crisis mode. The real story: He’d come across a cache of notes and artwork created by our children when they were very small. And, as has happened many, many times over the years of his depression, he was instantly filled with regret and remorse for the many years of deep depression that – in his mind only – kept him from being a present and engaged father.

I’m working hard to process all this stuff without freaking out. I’ll do some deliberate damage control by getting some exercise and much-needed sunshine this afternoon. I’ll work to get a handle on some big projects looming at work.

But still, I’m a bit shell-shocked. Depression casts some long and heavy shadows.

-Amy

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11 Responses

  1. Sending hugs. Lots and lots of hugs.

  2. Glad you could let yourself let down a bit. Virtual hugs and rays of sunshine!

  3. Oh bless you. Things just amass, don’t they? Thank heavens for sunshine. Xx

  4. Sending you hugs. I am familiar with how something unexpected can throw off your mental state, and it can be tough to regain your balance. Be good to yourself, and give yourself time to deal with everything. You will get through this.

    • Thank you for your kind words. I’m kind of getting my balance today – and am actually looking forward to mowing our grass this afternoon – I think the time outside working physically will really help!

      • Good for you! I always find that being outside and/or some physical work helps to clear my head. Glad to hear you are doing okay today 🙂

  5. Oh Amy, I’m sorry to hear all this, but sometimes a realisation of having that “dip” is enough to kick start a small revival . And I too can get desperately emotional about past times, especially where the children are concerned. Sending hugs your way x x

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