The long and winding road

As expected, this is turning out to be a very difficult week. Three days away – and counting every moment in the back of my mind – from stage one of The Big Leave (youngest child moving away for undergrad, oldest child moving FAR away for grad school). It’s been a week of list-making, packing, and not a few tears (not to mention frenzied activity at work as I prepare to miss five days during the biggest crunch time of my year).

But something happened Monday night that took me by surprise. It came about when my husband and I sat down to talk over final details of the upcoming trips, at my suggestion. There were a number of decisions to be made, and I found myself falling apart over them. Obviously I’m in no state to make decisions this week, with my emotions frayed down to the last thread.

tobifairley.com

tobifairley.com


I managed to choke out a few words: “I don’t mean to be irresponsible, but I don’t want to have this conversation. I just can’t take one more thing this week.” And promptly started sobbing.

Here’s where the surprise came in. My husband, who has been swimming in the quicksand of depression for months – emotionally unavailable, pessimistic, irritable, self-absorbed – immediately stopped, gave me a hug, and apologized for not realizing sooner how torn up I was. He offered to handle all the details we’d been discussing, and simply sat with me and let me cry.

I honestly can’t remember the last time when my feelings were a topic of concern or conversation between us. The relief I felt at NOT having to be the responsible one, NOT having to hold everything together, was a much-needed gift. As was the return of the husband I knew (hoped?) was still there under the weight of all that depression.

And now, to get through the next few days. My most difficult goal to achieve is to do all my crying anywhere but our son’s dorm as we say goodbye.

-Amy

P.S. I’m still holding onto that carrot on a stick of a second blog. Hoping it will be not only good for me to have a new project, but also of some interest to others. We’ll see. If you’re interested, you’ll find the first real post next week at http://www.momgoeson.wordpress.com.

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3 Responses

  1. Touching story…….yes, your husband is still there under all the depression.

  2. Isn’t is amazing how, when we really need them, our loved ones can come out from under the weight of their own issues? It’s one of those beautiful things in life. Sending strength!

    • Thanks for the good wishes, Angie. I’m really grateful that he’s getting to a healthier place where he can once again think beyond his own pain.

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