I have seen the future…

It is an absolutely beautiful day in my part of the world, so I refuse to be dragged down…but my determination to be positive is being sorely tried.

My husband has been in a very low depression slump for quite a few months. We’ve tried quite a few strategies for improvement with varying degrees of success. But still, a great deal of the time I’m living with full-on depression in my house.

There was an episode last night that left me reeling. I am truly a very empathetic person, and seeing another person suffer is very difficult for me. But as I looked at the person sitting next to me at the dinner table, all I could think was, “This is what I have to look forward to for the rest of my life.”

Maybe it’s because I’m older than I was last time we went through this. Maybe it’s because my patience is exhausted. Maybe it’s because our children are grown and moving on.

All I know is that the future looks bleak. There are many things I would like to do personally and professionally. I have a lot of interests and I would like to enjoy life. But I’m beginning to feel that I’m going to be doing these things and trying to enjoy life on my own, with a husband hanging around in the background, simply struggling to exist. That’s not what I was expecting, and I don’t know that I have the energy to do the herculean work of helping him climb out of his own personal pit of despair.

The best I can do for today is denial. I will focus on the gorgeous weather and the satisfying tasks I’ve set for myself on a quiet Saturday. I’ll enjoy time with people who make me laugh. Maybe I’ll feel like tackling the fact of depression in the household another day. We’ll see.

-Amy

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